worry wort

When I was a kid I had this defense mechanism where if I didn't want to deal with some thing I would worry myself to the point where my stomach would twist and turn and feel horrible and I would eventually puke. I would make the excuse that I didn't feel well and would pass the parental test and be able to stay home from school, therefore not having to deal with whatever it was I wanted to avoid.

At first I didn't realize this 'gift' that I had, I just really thought I was sick. It wasn't until grade two that I realized what I was actually doing. I remember the situation specifically (because as you know I have this other gift for remembering specific events in immense detail).

When I was in preschool my best friend was a boy named Leigh. We did everything together. We even 'liked' one another and thought of each other as boyfriend and girlfriend at the ripe old age of 4. I remember one time we got all these cardboard boxes in class to build castles with and play with. Leigh and I ended up hiding in them and kissing. It was so exciting! I was such a floosy.

We ended up going to the same elementary school as well and carried on our 'love affair' on and off through out the years. I went to his house to play one Saturday and his mom made us grilled cheese sandwiches. It was so cute. For valentines day one year he came over to my house and gave me a pack of pink bubble gum. When we took skating lessons with school we would hold hands and skate around the rink. When the Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Finals and Vancouver had a big fan appreciation day we skipped school and went down there together. It was all very sweet and innocent.

In grade two I was having trouble in school when it came to learning Hooked on Phonix. I hated it. I couldn't spell, I couldn't put sentences together, I would just memorize how stuff sounded and then would write it out. I didn't actually understand how it all went together. (I still don't for that matter). I would get very frustrated when it came time to work on it in class and my teacher was horrible and would never explain it to me. The only time I would understand what was going on was when I would bring it home for homework and my dad would help me with it. I remember one time being in class trying to do my work and eventually coming to the point of tears because I felt so stupid for not understanding. I told my teacher I wanted to take my work home so my dad could help me because I didn't understand it, she just got mad and me and told me I couldn't do that and had to do it in class. I was so upset.

It then got to the point where I would worry about it so much that I would make myself sick and would get to stay home from school, with the ability to do my work at home. Bonus! I could get my dad to help me and I didn't have to go to school to do it. This made me happy.

But eventually I couldn't fake being sick anymore just to be able to do my work at home, so I had to face doing it at school.

The next bout of 'sickness' happened not to far after that. For some reason I could never remember what started it, if their was an initial incident or something that brought it on, I only remember the reason for being sick.

For some reason I was deathly afraid that Leigh would tell the whole class that we use to kiss in cardboard boxes in preschool, and I felt so embarrassed by it. I was fearful that if he told them they would all make fun of me and not like me, which is really the most retarded thing ever. I mean we were 4, we kissed, big deal! But in my head I created it into this big disaster. The funny thing was that Leigh never told anyone, and no one knew about it, but for some reason I had created this whole thing in my head, and basically worried about something that wasn't going to happen. This over reaction that I created in my head ate me alive. I was so sick and my parents couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, all the while I totally knew what was going on, I just never told them.

This was when I realized that worrying made me sick, and being sick meant avoiding what I didn't want to deal with.

This happened again in grade 8 with a boy who liked me to the point where he would sit in class and stare at me for an hour. And this wasn't a 'loving' stare, it was a 'Hi, I'm the biggest creep you ever met' stare. It still creeps me out to this day. This was by far this biggest worried over reaction I have ever lived through. It lasted almost the entire school year, but I will save that story for another time.

The last time I remember this worry/sick situation hitting me big was in 1st year University where my boyfriends parents divorced and it tore me apart. The situations that arose because of it where things I thought you only read in magazines or something, not things that actually happened to you in real life. It was both devastating and traumatic. The only good thing to come out of it was the realization of what I wanted my life/relationships to be like, and what I didn't want them to be like. It was an experience I never want to live through again.

Tho this ridiculousness I have has lessened itself through out the years, it has never completely gone away. Coming from a long list of worriers I don't think I will ever be able to completely get rid of it. I have learned though, that there is no sense in worrying about something you have no control over, and even though it sometimes comes to the point where I do worry myself sick, I can no longer just cop out and stay home from whatever it is I don't want to deal with (even though I would really really like to). Most of the stuff I worry about is just crap I make up in my head and is not based on actual fact. I guess that's where my natural reaction of over reacting comes into play.

And as I sit here now, my stomach grumbles, because there is something its concerned about, but there is nothing I can do, other then ignore it and go on with my day.