Completely is used a lot

It's almost pitch black outside. With the light on in the office, the glare it creates on the windows means I can't see anything outside except my reflection and the reflection of the office. Its snowing, Vancouver snow, hich means its half rain half snow. But the point is, I can't see it.

I just burnt my tounge on my tea. Damn you warm yummy tea. *shakes fist*

I got a txt from Chad while I was on my way home last night informing me that he would be home by 6. This put a little hitch in things because being as it was Thursday night I had to leave by 6:30 to go to choir practice. I figured I would try and get dinner started as soon as I got home so that when Chad arrived it would be ready on the table and I could scarf down my food and leave. Well, coming home at 6 turned into coming home by 6:15 which turned into just eat and go cause I don't know when I will be home. While I was a little frustrated I ate as fast as I could and ran off the choir only to be a few minutes late.

Instead of these choir practices getting easier they keep getting harder. Some people show up one day and then don't show up another day and when I am training my ear to pick up the sounds that the person beside me is singing and then the person beside me keeps changing I just end up sounding like a disaster and get extremely frustrated because I don't know what the hell I am singing.

The way its set up is there are two 'sets' of Altos, the ones that sit on the bench and the ones that sit on the chairs. I am right in between the two of them and last night there was no one directly beside me. The choir is filled with older people who all know each other and have been singing together. I feel complete out of place when I am there. I am young and quite and so damn shy I just sit there by myself not knowing what to do. I feel like a scared 12 year old.

My voice has been completely off that last two practices, its almost as if I can't sing like I use to. I can't hit the notes I've always hit. I have no power behind my voice and my ear is totally off. When I open my mouth and sing it doesn't feel like me. I can't figure out whats wrong. My throat is sore all the time, morning and night and the only thing I can think of that could possibly link all these problems is the lump on my throat. And thinking about it just makes me horribly depressed and worried that something is seriously wrong.

Near the end of the practice we were going over our most difficult piece. I was complete lost and could not hear my part what so ever. The conductor clearly saw my frustration and suggested that I move in between two very strong Altos, which is exactly what I needed. Instead of feeling rejuvenated by this I was horrified by my lack of ability to sing with out someone having to physically move me somewhere else. Everyone was silent and watched me move spots. I could feel my face go completely red. As much as I knew this change would benefit me I was totally embarrassed and I don't know why. The ladies were very nice and asked me my name and the whole time I felt like a little kid who just wanted to run away and hide. I was this close to bursting into tears.

The rest of the practice I felt completely defeated. I felt like it was too hard to go on. I felt completely out of place. I was in a horrible mood for the rest of the night, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I don't know why this whole experience is making me revert back to being a kid.

I am not looking forward to going back next week.

There are two practices left. I hope they go better then this one did.